Saturn Return. Since I turned 28 last year (Scorpio babe don’t forget lol) but yea, I am in my Saturn Return as my Big Sis revealed to me last month, it all makes sense why shit been hitting the fan in my life. From not knowing how I’m going to get from point A to B (because my car was on E & I couldn’t ask anyone for gas $ because EGO of course 🙃), my relationships with my Wolf Pack (my father, aunt & uncle) had gone to shit, living in fear, to draining myself, shit the list goes on. I realized that the value of mental & emotional health in the black community was a fucking JOKE. This is from personal experience… I asked to take a brief leave of absence from a particular position to focus on therapy & was basically told why would I miss out on “easy” money 🙂…. Which is a lesson for anyone looking for coins….🗣ALL MONEY AIN’T GOOD MONEY BOO. Anyways lol, yea I lost two cousins (who were brothers literally a week apart).. it was just like WHYYYY is this happening to me GOD? But you wouldn’t have known the half, unless I didn’t just tell you right😏?? See I will never carry myself in a way that my energy will effect others and if I feel like I will alter the energy externally I just stay my ass in the crib… Although things were shitty personally, I was still grateful for life.. what mattered most importantly was my reaction to situations WAY bigger than me. S/o to H/H for sending me that Elevation Church Podcast episode “When the Battle Chooses You.” Literally perfect timing while typing this entry. My battles were larger than me & out of my control. If I sat and sulked in all the shit that was piling up, I wouldn’t be here today. Who knows where I would be? All I knew was “I’m not about to sit & try to find out”. I knew there was something coming and this wasn’t my permanent state, just what was occurring presently…. Ok… enough of that..
I’ve never been without access to my phone for more than 24 hours (when I was in the government I was phoneless for 8 hours a day because the security level of my building which was easy af) BUT when Sanáa was like turn your phones off before we even left the hotel, I was like oh she serious serious. This retreat was not named “Detach with Dork” for no reason. This was a time to put healthy boundaries into place and recognize where we are being depleted in everyday life. Whether it be by family, friends, children, work, YOURSELF, and just other things that occur on a regular basis. I knew my family would not be able to handle this, but honestly I was geeked to be phoneless. Not having to worry about posting to IG for the day or being drained by feeling OBLIGATED to pick up the phone, every time I get a call or text. Don’t get me wrong I did make sure I checked in with Gwen to let her know I was alive y’all lol. But even still, I had to protect my boundaries and my energy during this time.
If you recall in my post from yesterday, I said my life altered 3 times damn near before the retreat even popped off. From finding out about my friend being in a crazy car accident to some other things occurring at home which did not align with my spirit AT ALL. In those moments I made the decision to fully immerse myself in this retreat and do what made TIERRA happy and fulfilled. I refused to alter my life for others when there was no benefit for me at all. I was ready for this motivational breakthrough of some sort to appear… IDK like some dropping out the sky type shit. Or that thought that hits you out of the blue.. like BOOM. Whatever it was though, I was ready for it. Soul Searching, coming to Jesus moment.. alla dat.
Whenever you go on a big, yet intimate group trip with WOMEN you are bound to be a little distant at first.. well I know me being the ambivert I am.. But this group was cool. I definitely meshed with them quickly. All good vibes and I am so thankful for that..
The Journey: 2 hour shuttle bus ride to the docks. 2 hour boat ride to the island. Pony carriage ride to the cottage lol, yes a pony not horse. This was no resort setting, no all-inclusive, legit ISLAND TEAS, like that Martin Episode lol literally. But it was so perfect… Honestly, this island not build for anyone looking for a 5-star experience, but if you are just humble and appreciative of life period this is for you. I stayed in the room/cottage called Cancer, mind you I was geeked because I am a Cancer Moon so it fit me perfectly lol.. All the cottages were Zodiac & Greek Mythology themed.. how cute and perfect,lol??
Bathrooms outside, so I was literally showering under the stars. Water pressure in the shower was good and the water got hot af, but that water pressure in the sink was def off some drip……….drip drip……drip. I did not care though… It was refreshing and made me appreciate what I have at home. I’m sleeping in a cute & cozy little cottage lol. No roads, no cars, no street lights (like when it was dark it was pitch MF BLACK lol), sand, ocean, coconut trees, banana trees, beautiful flowers, cats, amazing locals, fresh fruit and so much more… I honestly cannot put into words the gem that has been overlooked by so many people for years. I feel selfish because I do not want to share this island with anyone lmaoo.. But accommodations here are not for the faint of heart. Staying here has taught me to just ‘BE’… BE happy, BE patient, BE open, BE vulnerable, BE receiving, BE loving, BE nonjudgmental, BE. There was never a moment where I felt uncomfortable or unsafe.
Our stay here started during the ending of Ramadan, The Gili Islands are Muslim and Bali is the only Buddhist area; so it was quite interesting. So a lot of businesses were closed and the locals were preparing to celebrate Eid with their families. It was so cool to be around a culture so entirely different from my own & while these beautiful people were fasting they were happily serving us food with no issues. It’s always “HELLOOOOOO, How are you?!” and you would ask them the same in return and the answer was always “GOOD” or “Better than yesterday”. It was literally like dawg, these people are soooooo fucking happy and they have nowhere near the amount of shit we have at home.. But thats the GAG, they have EVERYTHINGGG. Not only are they surrounded by all the beauty God created, but most importantly they have unconditional joy that is not shaken nor stirred. The theme for Day 1 was definitely gratitude. How dare I complain and be angry or look for the issue is shit when these people work literally ALL day, EVERYDAY in the heat for little to nothing. That is when I knew my life was about to change. You were basically rich living on this island as an American or foreigner because the rate of the US dollar compared to the Rupia. little to nothing let me tell you. I was surviving like a Queen off of $200.
I just remember sitting outside and listening to all the sounds around me the first night and staring into the sky. You could literally see ALLL the stars so clear and the Moon hit different after the New Moon occurred. All I could think was how blessed I am. Literally did not know how I was getting there the week before, but God made a way… the silence was refreshing. I have never been in a place where peace was experienced 24/7. God was with me & he knew he was about to check my little ass. Was I really as ready as I thought I would be?? All I could do was thank God, for allowing me to be in a space where I felt I did not believe I deserved to be in. Just the crash of the waves was nurturing my heart. Day 2, I would be TRIGGERED.