Damn right... I'm TRIGGERED...
Everything I share is what I’ve gone through, I am not ashamed of being transparent or things I’ve experienced, because I am human. All that has shaped the Tierra you know to love today… I am still a traveler through healing & I am still learning as I go.
Cue Jhene Aiko, “Triggered”…. I never knew how much I’ve still been holding on to honestly. You would think I would have all my shit in order.. You know, I am a yoga instructor & I definitely consider myself a “HEALER”. When in reality I am still in need of healing my damn self. But when I think about all the people I am inspired by as fellow “HEALERS,” none of them are perfect or have all the answers Sway. I think that is what makes us perfect though. I will never live my life with the persona or mirage that I am always super happy and excited 24/7. Because I do have my moments that come & go. I go through the same range of emotions as the next human. But that one little part of me still had me walking around like “ohhhh I am good, I don’t need to face my issues and traumas because there are none”!!
THOUGHT.IT.WAS…. let me set the scene. Blazing, YET comforting Sun, beach, ocean waves splashing, fresh coconut water, sunscreen spraying everywhere, book reading, top 40 hits playing, laughter and chit chatter looming in the background. The vibe was set while we all laid out on the beach and having casual conversation.. I don’t know how we got on topic honestly, but I was rapping with Sanáa and C about life and we were being so transparent and vulnerable like we’ve known each other for years honestly. At one point, I remember I was telling them how my decision to leave the government put a HUGE detour in my relationship with my dad, aunt and uncle.
For the record, I loved Law Enforcement & still do.. one of my passions is the fight against child sex & human trafficking. My former agency was not IT though.. my sanity is more important to me at the end of the day (I can talk about this more another day).. But my plan wasn’t to leave fully. If it is meant for me to return I will. Until then, life is still GOOD!!
If you know me, you know thats my crew for real along with Tommy (Faggle)… So I didn’t talk to them from March 2018 to about August/September 2018 (to be clear we are all good now lol them my dawgs 4L). Long story short, they didn’t really support my decision to leave the government and for the longest I could not understand why. My uncle, who’s been an entrepreneur since before I was born, out of all people I expected him to support me & ride for me.. Idk, I just thought they would get it.. That was my first mistake right there. Placing expectations on people when they aren’t obligated regardless of the role they play in my life. I just assumed they would be with the shits lol… NOW I realize that it is ok if they aren’t but then I didn’t fully get it. This is a lesson in when we are pursuing something & are hype to tell ppl closest to us and their response be like, “oh, okay you REALLY going leave that high paying government job!?” you get my drift. People projecting their fears & doubts all over you. As a result you get scared, annoyed, worried, angry with them for not believing in you.
After going through my whole spill of all I experienced… the first thing Sanáa said to me was “we have to look at the way they were raised and the traumas they experienced…” It made sense… Our parents, aunts and uncles were raised in different times when all they knew was ‘SURVIVAL’. So working a stable 9-5 was seen as content success and the dream… I just kept arguing to her that all they interested in are my accolades; 2 degrees, young in Federal Law Enforcement, High security clearance, the list goes on and on… not interested in me.. which lowkey as i was speaking out loud made me realize how bitter and hurt I still am. “You can’t keep assigning roles to people who don’t need/deserve them,” said Sanáa, basically, just because they my family, they not obligated to support, etc.. and I understood. At this point it’s about staying true to my mission & showing them I can live out my greatest dreams 🤞🏾 You know, I came on this retreat to just get away & celebrate taking a risk in my beautiful life, not to find myself in unconscious therapy sessions, but this just goes to show the Universe has a way to place you EXACTLY where you need to be. Shit happens naturally. When it’s forced, it’s not real I always say. This moment on the beach was real. I haven’t been to therapy in about 2 months and I needed this moment to happen. So I was humbled and appreciative. But def triggered.
Damn. I kept thinking as I held back tears… if you know me. family is everything and they my heart.. I had to really look at them with compassion and patience. All I can do is walk in love, love them fully even if that means with boundaries in place. At least, until I can deal with them and not get offended when they do not respond or show up in ways I ‘expect’ them too. Before I left, I thought I put boundaries into place, but I didn’t.. I would be around them or if they call me, just automatically get irritated. That’s not who I am. It was in this moment, I KNEWWWW I had some inner work to do.. You can speak change as much as you want, but if you aren’t willing to actually do work, what is really going to change other than the way your ass speak on shit? So many gems were dropped during this session, I just soaked it all up like a sponge. Both of these amazing women were being authentic in their interaction with me and sharing their stories and paths to healing they took. If anything, they inspired me even more during this journey.
As human beings, we naturally hold stress and anxiety in our body (majority of the time in the hips & shoulders/back), so it is important to pay attention to your body during moments of extreme stress and dis-ease. MY MF HIPSSSS been tight, for theeee longest and I am flexible af, but my hips and back been against me I tell you. It was time for some body love. It was time for some soul love. I spent the rest of that day with my crew on my heart.. Sanáa challenged us that morning during yoga to journal our emotions and state of mind through out the day as we checked in with ourselves. I promise you before this retreat, my meditation, journaling and yoga practice were foreign af to me as I was in this new country.
Making it to Indonesia was God working on me. I had to step fully into healing. I wrote letters to my father, uncle and aunt expressing my love, forgiveness and non-attachment to them. It felt like so much weight was lifted off my shoulders really. I know they love me fully & unconditionally and only want the best for me; BUT I have to live for me. I cannot live in fear, doubt, worry or take on other people’s uncertainty. I am only blocking my own blessings. Not acknowledging my traumas is only holding me back from receiving what the Universe has in store for me or ability to manifest all I want in life… we are conditioned to allow & be content with certain things & people we allow in our lives…. but I’ll save that convo for tomorrow lol….
Recognizing that I am bitter, hurt, confused, lost, searching for validation in the wrong ways & from the wrong people is a hard pill to swallow. As a result, it has caused me to treat people who I love the most differently and hold them to expectations I wouldn’t even want someone else to hold me to. Ya’ll know I can’t stand a person in a glass house throwing stones, and yet I was doing it myself, lol. BUT the biggest thing I also had to do was love & forgive myself. Chile. during yoga in the morning Sanáa had us list out all the people we loved (during meditation) and she was like “did you mention yourself first?” and I was like shittttt, I didn’t. Although, I know I LOVEEE myself. I am alwayssss putting my love for others before my love for my damn self. If I don’t love ME, how someone else going love ME?🤔?? Yea, soul searching 101 commencing…
For the record, I am in a good space lol. This is me sharing my journey of healing, because I know if I need it, someone else may need to hear it as well…
So I am going to share some simple steps towards healing. I promise it’s nothing too strenuous or crazy. But I want us to get into the habit of being able to talk about triggers and trauma naturally. The only way to elevate & be able to vibrate at your highest, you MUST embrace the light & dark. Triggers can be positive and also negative and there is nothing wrong with either. Everyone goes through SHIT, nothing makes you exempt. IDC who you are or what you do. But what does make a difference is how you RESPOND & REACT to them. So let’s get into it!
Steps to Healing:
Recognize that you are indeed dealing with some real life shit. (maybe you are moodier than usual, you don’t feel like your old self, you get defensive quickly & easily. You are negative a lot….)
Be PATIENT & KIND to yourself (this is not easy and never will be, but 1 thing I know is, it will be OK)
Acknowledge the actual trauma. (what it is, where it is coming from, your actions, etc…)
Make the decision that you want to face it head on & work towards healing
Time to put in work
Seek therapy (I am an advocate for therapy!! so many resources free & covered by most insurance companies)
Find an outlet that allows you to release your frustrations/anger (kick boxing, running, the gym, yoga, meditation, pilates, journaling)
Start making moves and pay attention to how it affects you
Allow forgiveness & love to enter into your heart & space (this allows you to show grace & empathy towards the situations/persons who have caused trauma in your life)
look at the person(s) background & recognize how THEIR PERSONAL TRAUMAS have shaped them
be kind - NO SELF-SABOTAGE WILL BE ALLOWED AT ALL. NAH. IT AIN’T CUTE NOR IS IT COOL. STOP TALKING DOWN ON YOURSELF.
Place positive boundaries into place where needed
NEVER feel ashamed for honoring YOUR space & boundaries. (if a person doesn’t respect them. they can exit stage left)
Stay committed to the journey…
it won’t be easy, but you stay the course.. lean on your support system when needed.
Love YOURSELF. PERIODT.